Principium

Principium? The Beginning. In Latin. The root of most languages. Where most languages are derived from. Hence, we can look at Latin as “the beginning” of communication and this blog is “the beginning” of my communication.

It all started there ⇗. Lloret de Mar, Costa Brava, Spain. A little wooden house, crouched within bushes and trees, up on a hill, with a panoramic view of the bay. My large family of 11 and I stayed there for about 6 days and even though this destination did not turn out as expected I can say that, for myself, it was a reflective week.

As I said, all together we are 12. No, not 12 as in parents and 10 children. My mom’s sister and my dad’s brother are married and they each have 4 children. So if you think about it, in a way all the children are siblings. Do you get it? Don’t worry, I know it’s confusing, so refer to the 5 min diagram I drew for you below.

IMG_6390.JPG

I’m an IB HL Art student, I think my teachers would be proud of my stickmen.

Our week in that little hidden wooden house was filled with laughter despite the immense heat and the blood thirsty mosquitoes which resulted in sleepless nights. The sleepless nights proceeded to fooling around and playing with the thought that we were spending our week in a haunted house. However, it was also composed of our dads telling us childhood stories which were moving and heartwarming. These nights with my family hit me. It hit me hard. Why? In all honesty, I don’t know. But there are situations or people who make you realize things you never realized before. I felt lost, I still feel lost. I felt like I was stuck in one place, not improving, not becoming a better person, my life was going nowhere. My realization of being stuck led me to a realization that I’ve been stuck for a long time, I’ve stayed in the same place for a long time and so I wrote this…

“I’m lost. It’s true. I am lost.

I don’t know who I am or who I’m meant to be.

I don’t know what I enjoy. I don’t know whether the things I tell myself I enjoy is genuine or if it’s just me convincing myself I do.

I tell myself I’m a good person. A person who tries to please everyone to the extent I forget about myself. But if that were true, then why do I manage to fail every friendship? Am I selfless to a fault? Or maybe I expect too much. Maybe I see too much good in people and I choose to ignore the bad until it explodes onto me.

I work hard, I think? But why do my parents tell me I have a lot more potential when I think I’m working my hardest? Why am I not managing to reach my potential? Why am I so unmotivated? What’s happened to me? Where did my commitment go? Where did my determination go? It seems to have disappeared in the most crucial time of my life.

The future seems so far, but, it’s now. I’m supposed to decide what I want my future to be like now. Now? But why do I seem so clueless about my future, more than a couple of years ago? I don’t know whether I’m supposed to live for myself or for others?

How am I supposed to choose my future when I don’t know what I genuinely enjoy or want?

How do I progress or improve myself if I don’t know what I’m supposed to progress in or improve myself in?

How do I improve myself if I don’t know what is truly me and what isn’t me?

I’m lost. Its true. I am lost.”

… and I created these…

It was as if I was climbing a mountain, heading somewhere, but all of a sudden, I had no next move, there was nowhere to place my leg. The only option I had was to go down a couple of steps and change direction. Meaning I have to make changes to my life. Big changes. Changes that might make me suffer but eventually allow me to climb back up the mountain. But what were these changes? What are the decisions that I am going to have to make if I wanted to keep climbing that mountain? I laid in bed that night of realization. I laid there visualizing everything that might have caused my mountain dilemma.

A week later, I talked to my parents and we came to two conclusions as to where I can begin to get myself back on track:

  1. Become more religiously involved
  2. Take action

Becoming more religiously involved speaks for itself but take action? The only way anyone can really discover what they enjoy is through experiences. Experiences, experiences, experiences. Expose yourself to new things. That way, you will discover that one thing that intrigues you, that one thing that you could do your entire life. Be it knitting, swimming, skydiving, painting… sleeping? My parents wisely told me to envision my future. What is it that I see myself doing? When I dream of a future, not think of a future, but dream of a future, what would it be? Traveling. Not for the general cliché reason that “I want to see the world”. No. I want to see the buildings, the architecture, the art, the history, the music, the language, the food, the people, the culture. I want to get to know the country as if it were an individual person. That’s what I envision and that is how I started my blog.

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11 Comments Add yours

  1. Tdog says:

    Very good read.I lookfoward too your future travel blogs!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow!! This is amazing….
    More ink to ur pen

    Liked by 1 person

    1. artybiotics says:

      thank you! glad you enjoyed 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I kind of need ur help…. on motivation and inspiration aspects….like a site or for that pls

        Liked by 1 person

      2. artybiotics says:

        you need a site for inspiration and motivation ?

        Like

  3. “I tell myself I’m a good person. A person who tries to please everyone to the extent I forget about myself. But if that were true, then why do I manage to fail every friendship?”

    I can relate to this completely. I’ve spent most of my life trying to please others, and being loved from afar by some, while actively hated and confronted by others for no logical reason that I could see. I had a fundamentalist religion that made me believe that I had to constantly be nice to everyone so they would think better of God, since I was trying to represent him.

    People don’t want to be close friends (long term) with someone who is always nice. It’s boring. They don’t respect you. They don’t feel that you’re a valuable, strong force to have on their side. Many tend to be suspicious of you, thinking that you’ve got an ulterior motive – which in my case was true, I wanted them to believe in God and to love him. I was a salesman.

    In small towns, the salespeople in stores smile and seem to only to want to please you. I tend to enjoy these people so much because I can relate to them at a deep level. But their niceness is largely just part of their job. If you got to know one of them, you’d find that after work they have strong opinions and are not especially nice. Even in the stores you’ll find that the salespeople who have a little edge to their personalities – opinions they express, a willingness to point out where you’re wrong and they are right about something – are better at their jobs. They influence people more. They make the shopper care about what the salesperson thinks of them.

    I’ve left religious fundamentalism, but still believe in a personal God (for scientific reasons mainly). I’ve spent so much of my life as God’s salesman that it’s ingrained in my personality to be “too nice” right up to the point where I can’t take it anymore and get angry enough to express my true opinions and stick up for myself. Then I feel guilty for losing my temper and acting in a way that would be considered normal and OK for anyone else. I’ve got a lot of growing to do.

    My advice to my younger self, if I could give it, would be to accept the fact that God has put us into these bodies in a way that makes it seem as if the world revolves around each of us – as if each of us were the viewpoint character in a story. This innate selfish bias is not a black-and-white thing. It’s not all good, as the sociopaths believe, and it’s not all bad, as many religious people believe.

    Like pride and so many other emotions, our innate selfishness needs a balance within us. We are worthy of our own self-protection in arguments and discussions, we are worthy to not let others talk over us at will, we are worthy to be heard and to be highly respected by others. Standing with good posture is not arrogant or rude, it’s normal human behavior.

    We cannot convince anyone to follow God if we constantly diminish ourselves in everyone’s sight by being “too nice,” obsequious, sycophantic, and overly self-deprecating. It’s almost as self-defeating and soul-crushing as becoming a sociopath who uses people and cares nothing about them. Sociopaths don’t tend to have real, lasting friendships either, though they may have gathered a large superficial following of “friends” whom they manipulate.

    Forget trying to please everyone. It’s poison to lasting friendships, same as utter selfishness is toxic. Focus on making people respect you while you respect them: Balance.

    Also, with regard to my job choice as a young person, I would suggest that an outdoor job dealing with three-dimensional things, or animals, should take priority over the jobs and professions that keep a person constantly indoors at a computer terminal. Moderate sun exposure and exercise are essential to humans for many reasons. Find a job or profession that gets you outdoors, doesn’t stress you too much, and allows some creativity.

    Anyway, thank you for a great post! You have writing talent. You’ve made me see myself in you. Take care. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. artybiotics says:

      Thank you very much for this thoughtful comment 😀 What you say is true and logical, I appreciate the advice very very much. I wish you all the best in everything that you do! Thank you once again 😊

      Liked by 2 people

  4. lexystorm says:

    Your post is beautiful and i totally relate to it. This is how I feel right now. Like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life or my future. I would like to travel around too for the experience and I agree with the above comment. Outdoor jobs are definitely something to try. I like your drawing by the way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. artybiotics says:

      thank you very much 🙂 we seem to both be struggling in some of the same aspects!

      Like

  5. ƔǏƜɅƚ says:

    Nice post and pics.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. artybiotics says:

      Thank you so much 🙂

      Like

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